Waking up on a monday after a Saturday of dancing and a sunday of doing nothing but stay alone in my bed my happy thoughts keeping me company the world reduced to nothing but the tick-toc of my clock reminding me that the night draws near and on its tail chasing like a happy demon from the depths of hell the sun with her rays like shards of glass, ripping through my curtains piercing my eyes, forcing me to wake up and face the day, and deal with people and solve problems and smile and laugh and deal with people.. Is the worst torture of all
Pull me back from this Precipice of madness, don’t let your soul get tired of trying to save mine, help me understand what it is like to feel my heartbeat beneath my breast and not this numbing nothingness.
I got nothing.
What do you see when you look at me? Forget my eyes or the color of my skin or my tiny nose, what so you see? Do you see this facade that I have created or can you see a bit more? Can you see my soul reflected in the depth of my eyes, can you see my scars, can you see my tears?can you see my pride, my strength, or are you like the rest, satisfied with the superficial. What do you see, what can you see? Do my secret smiles entice you? Do you wonder when you look at me why I am as I am, or do you see the stubborn woman that everyone else sees,.
How can you not question the a thousand galaxies in my head how can you see me clothe and jewelry and hair and be satisfied, how could you not want to know about my dreams and what keeps me up, about what makes me cry because I assure you its preety much everything. Why can’t you ask, about my roots? Arent you even in the least bit curious?
I love and I dance and I sing, whether in the shower or the streets or in my head, I laugh and I cry and I care to the depths of the ocean and the width of infinite galaxies am more than the labels you peg on me, daughter, girlfriend, sister, workmate, friend, I learn, and I hurt and I hurt other people am human and angel and broken but not too much because despite your perception of me I still love and I still dance.
I hate the way I talk to myself, the way every morning I have to call myself stupid for some imagined slight from the past, I hate the way I tell myself my tummy is too big, my face too round my butt too small. I hate the way I exercise and do squats, not because I want to keep fit and be healthy but because I want to look good, to look better to others. I hate how another’s opinion of me matters to me more than my own, how I try hard to please my Ex because his opinion of me still matters to me. His opinion of the 19yr old girl he knew, not the 23 year old woman that I am now.
God I abhor this,how these negative thoughts of me churn and turn in my head how when I catch my self thinking ,I want to pull ou my mind and stomp on it in anguish, I want to kill this hollowness in my heart when I think of all the things I haven’t achieved yet, I want to erase all memories of me from me, all mistakes all transgressions. I want to go to that place of pure silence of pure bliss. I want everyone who I have ever met, who I have gone the extra mile for and they still let me down to forget me, to forget I existed. I crave silence, a new beginning I crave my own heaven
I crave that place of acceptance that can only be found inside me.I want to stop thinking of myself as a failure, to stop hurting myself with my own spikes. To teach myself how to love myself without another’s approval.
To make everyday my own heaven.
Because nothing else matters besides thee, because if the skies were to open now, and time cry out for the last time and the earth swallow all the love and life, and this dust i posses that you breathed life into finally crumble beaneath all the weight of my sins, and though i die a thousand deaths, i wallow in pain and eternal misery… Your love is sufficient, Lord, and i know your mercies will save me
Though am not deserving, though all i do with my life is ruminate my un worthy existance, though i say am sorry but turn right round and do it again, though i curse you and blight you and say how i did not deserve the pain how i deserve only happiness, and joy and every of my whim catered to, how.. Dear God, how am above it all, and how many times do i forget to thank you,
But here i am God, and i thank you, for the air i breath, and sunlight on my face, for the music i can hear and the bed for my rest, for the food i eat, and words i write, and everything, everything.
We are filled with so much self importance, its like we are the sun, the centre of the universe with the other planets revolving around us, doing silly circles around us, slaves to our gravity.
Do you ever wonder… What is out there, beyond the universe?? Beyond the milky way and its a thousand and one suns and moons,? What is out there, beyond our reach? Is it greatness? Is it love? Is it need?
The back and forth pull of the moon and the sea, the silent, taut thrum of gravity on the earth, turning turning on its axis, churning the bowels of the earth, now its day, now its night, now the cold numbs my toe, now am shading my skin in the heat.
But.. This rhythmic sway of the earth, this tilt and toss and turn of the earth, yet I feel nothing, yet I know nothing, life could be ending beyond this earthen cage, and I won’t know nothing.