I loved and lived and died for him. I would have done anything. I did everything for him. I loved him more than I ever loved myself, he was my drug. I was a hopeless addict, I was blind and deaf and mute and dumb where he was concerned. I was enthralled, caught in a web of his approval; I sought it, with every fiber of my soul. His disquiet was my undoing. I would move heaven and earth just to see his smile. The more I gave, the more he craved. I forgot who I was without him. He was my life, more than my life was mine. He seeped into every pore of me and made himself at home. I was dying. And I didn’t know it. I was content to just have found someone who loved me. Who saw me, saw my faults that he made seem to be bigger, worse than his. He saw every filthy thought and weakness that coated my soul like dirt, and loved me still. I believed him, good God, I believed him.
Time was a hypnotist pendulum I was lost in its warped face. The suns glare was like a hundred tiny needles in my eyes. Every single gasping breath was like snorting glass, everything hurt. I was pathetic, scum of the earth. I was the dumbest woman ever born. How could I, how could I have been so stupid? Tremors racked through my body from holding back tears, my arms lay heavy on my sides. My knuckles were bloody and bruised from hitting internal walls repeatedly. Guilt wracked me. A demon had wrapped its bony fingers around my neck and was chocking me. My throat felt like I had been screaming for eternity. I probably was. But on the outside I was calm and collected. No tear slipped down my face no blood coated my hands.
“Ms. Maisel, the doctor would see you now” the throaty receptionist said, head bent over his laptop. Fingers tap, tapping away.
I sighed. He was still mad at me. Once, his petty anger would have excited me, I would have demanded he gets on his knees with a leather collar on, just like he wanted, just like he craved. I would have whipped his ass bloody, and then fucked him raw.
I walked past his desk not sparing him a glance, towards the closed mahogany doors. I pushed them open not bothering to knock. They opened up into a long rectangular room, the walls painted stark white, with a large window opening up to the bay bellow. A large comfortable grey couch sits on the right, its pillows plumped and inviting. The wooden floor was covered with a white and grey rug that invited you to take your shoes off and feel the texture. The walls had artfully placed abstract pieces. To the right, two comfortable armchairs in blue sat facing the couch. Here she was seated on one of them, a queen holding court, her astonishingly beautiful face calm and smiling softly. My heart stopped like it did every time I saw her. I snarled at her.
“I don’t appreciate you forcing me to do this”
“Ms. Maisel, please have a seat” her voice was annoyingly pretty like a three year olds ‘
“Nyissisi nye nye nyeee” I replied, plunking my ass down on the couch
“I am not forcing you to do anything. Coming to see me three days a week is recommended by the court”
“Exactly. A recommendation I would have been happy enough to ignore, if you hadn’t tattled told on me you little tattle tale”
“Ms. Maisel …”
“Oh for fucks sake call me, Kry, I am not an old unmarried maid of seventy. Yet”
“Kry, you have missed a month of our meetings, I was getting worried about you. We were making so much progress, don’t you think?”
“Exactly, I was getting better, no more weird bad dreams, I am fully healed, thanks to you, so I figured, though it had been a pleasure talking to you these past glorious afternoons, it was time for our journey to end”
“Kry, in my honest professional opinion, we had just started scratching the surface, you still have a lot of unhealed childhood trauma that still inform your life now, that is why you make the decisions you do in relationships, our goal here is to try and understand what happened that night, and how you ended up there”
I fidgeted in my seat, avoiding her eyes; I could feel my heart rate slow down, as if my heart was too tired to go on. The air was dense and rough, chaffing at my nose. I sat on my sweaty palms
“What happened that night has been the subject of every major headline these past six months.” my voice was surprisingly steady, “I have been acquitted of all and any wrong doing as you well know”
“I am not accusing you of anything, Kry” she sat back head tilted, her big brown eyes boring into mine, I could feel a headache coming. “I understand that you might feel some guilt…”
I scoffed, looking out the window.
“The two people involved in this were very close to you, it would be totally understandable if you felt any guilt on their passing as the only survivor”
“Dr. Pretty, I am not the first woman on earth to have their boyfriend cheat on them with their best friend it is such a cliché it’s laughable. So no, I don’t feel any guilt or anger, I have forgiven them”
“ And that is what concerns me”
Laughter tore out of me, heavy and derisive
“You are concerned that I have forgiven my ex? Isn’t that the goal of this whole process?”
“I am concerned that you have convinced yourself that you are ok, so thoroughly that you actually believe it. You never speak out about your feelings because good girls don’t cause a fuss; you were in a five year long emotionally abusive …”
“Don’t!” I hissed, “Kurt, was never abusive, he was the most caring person and he loved me. Even when I did not deserve it. Especially when I did not. You did not know him.”
“You are right I did not, but I know of him. He was controlling, at first you thought it was because he genuinely cared about you, that’s why he would tell you not to speak to people you have known you entire life, what to eat, what to wear, where to live and work. He would show up at your house in the middle of the night during an argument because he couldn’t sleep when you were fighting. He would randomly show up at your place of work, guilt you into doing things you did not want to do, make promises he never intended to keep, as long as you toed the line, lived exactly like he wanted but it wasn’t ever enough Kry was it?”
I glared at her, how dare she, speak of my shame so nonchalantly! Like she had the right to pull my heart out and stomp on it. Who was she anyway? To sit there in her perfect little world, with her perfect little office in judgment of me? I craved for a spiked whip in my hand, and then we would see who had the control here and who was depraved. My lips trembled from the insults I held back. I leaned back on the sofa, spreading my hands across the headrest and smiled gleefully at her.
“I fucked your receptionist, do you know? He is a frequent member at my club now, the prim and proper Andrie; he has very very…interesting tastes”
She looked at me calmly, understandingly like I was a puzzle she had finally solved. I wanted to punch her teeth in.
“You should come to my club sometime, we will have so much fun, don’t you think Dr.Pretty”
“I don’t like your nickname for me, please call me Liza”
I raised an eyebrow.
“I am not allowed to see you outside office hours, you know this”. She leaned forward again, big eyes so earnest, like a child begging Santa for a puppy, please let me in, let me help you, please, they seemed to say “What happened that night Kry, let’s talk about that?”
I looked away, staring out the window. The water was deep green in the distance; sea gulls flew and dived elegantly in an eternal waltz with the wind. I kicked off my high heels and pressed my feet on the rug, imagining it to be the sand I would rather be walking on at the moment. Warm sea breeze fluttered in through the window and caressed my face. I breathed deeply willing my heart to stop racing, my blood to stop burning its way through my veins. Willing myself to stop screaming in my head. I wanted to step outside of myself, and float around on a sea of ignorance and unknowing. I wanted to un become everything I ever was, everything I was made, I wanted to unknow every lie written on my essence. The demon on my neck laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed, tears streaming down his black hideous face. His laughter morphed into mine, and I laughed too. We both laughed at me, at my pathetic stupid self, at that little silver of hope on my broken heart like dying starlight that I refused to let go off. Hope that I will ever get better, ever get past the guilt. The demon and I laughed and laughed, tears streaming down his face, tears that refused to fall from mine.
“Dr. Pretty, come on now, you already know what happened.”
“True but not from you. I want to know our version”
I sighed, and glanced back at her. She was still siting forward, holding her note pad loosely in her left hand. She had not written anything on it yet, anger burned a million holes in my stomach, wasn’t I worth a sentence on her dammed book?
She followed my gaze with her eyes, “would you be more comfortable if I jotted down a few notes?”
“No” I grunted rolling my eyes, “how much time do we have left?”
“well,” she leaned back on her chair and crossed her legs, “because you missed so many sessions, we had to add an extra hour, court orders” she smiled warmly, “Do you have somewhere to be?”
I glared at her nerve. She knew I was still under house arrest and was only allowed to come to her office and then to my club for a few hours a day.
“I have a date with this hot girl I met the other day” I drawled
“What is she, blind?”
“With these boobs honey, I can make anyone drool”
“Good thing you could afford them, you have nothing else going for you” she scoffed.
I leaned forward on my seat, shoulders thrown back giving her a good view of my cleavage in my tight red blouse, “Been checking me out, have we Dr. pretty?”
Her eyes roved over my body, slowly, taking in my posture, my chest raised up, tummy tucked in, my black skirt riding high on my hips showing my brown thighs, black garter belt barely visible on my left thigh. Desire hit me, swift and unexpected; i bit my lip, stifling a moan, pressing my thighs together. She shifted slightly on her seat and licked her lips. My eyes darted to that small movement like it was my salvation, they trembled slightly.
“Mmmh,” she cocked her head to the left, “You have shadows beneath your eyes, you have lost a couple of pounds, your left leg has been bouncing a mile a minute and how have you been sleeping?”
I glowered at her, rolled my eyes and fell back on the chair. I crossed my legs to mimic her posture, “scaredy cat” I scoffed
“Kry, talking about things can help give your perspective, I know it can be hard because you were punished as a child for showing emotion, but they were wrong, your father was wrong, you need to be able to experience the full spectrum of emotion you are capable of. I know, you don’t expect much from this session but give me a chance, at the very least when you are done here I can be able to tell your probation officer you can be allowed to reenter society. ”
“I don’t need to reenter society Dr.Pretty, I love being indoors juuusstt fiiineee,”
“Don’t you miss the beach?”
Longing rushed through me like an orgasm. Of course I missed the beach, I miss the smell of the sea, I missed being out in the water surfing and collecting shells, I missed swimming naked in the sea, letting the water caress me.
“If you try and participate in this, I can get them to let you out at least two days a week,” she said, kindly
I sighed, long and forlorn, if she was willing to negotiate then I could use it to my advantage.
“Four days a week, we reduce the time I spend in your office to only an hour, and you come to my club”
“Three days, the time you spend here remain at two hours, and I will come to your club as long as you aren’t there”
I laughed. “Four days, one and a half hours and a time stamped video of you as proof that you were in my club”
She smiled, “three days, one and half hours, I am not getting naked in the video and you can’t quit”
“Three days, one and a half hours, you are most certainly getting naked, I promise not to quit”
She sighed, a cute smile playing on her full lips, “deal”
The word clanged into me, breaking my ribcage and cooling my blood. Even the demon on my neck stared at her in surprise. I stretched out my left cold palm; she clasped it tightly with her soft right one, “deal” I intoned.
She held my palm a bit longer, and then joined brought her left hand to clasp her right so that my palm lay in the middle, of her; she rubbed her thumb back and forth on the back of mine. Back and forth, back and forth, smiling
I drew my hand away from hers, slightly uncomfortable and a lot turned on again. I cleared my throat, “what now”
“You tell me, what now, how do you want to proceed, are you ready to start where we left off?”
I wasn’t, I was nowhere ready, good God, no one can ever be ready to face the horrors of their past. I had been hounded and chased by reporters looking for a story; I had lost friends I thought I never would. I was the latest sensation, the biggest news since the death of hundred children in an orphanage last year. I was the poster child of the absolute macabre. I wanted it to end, yet I did not. This was my punishment for being so easily misled, for letting my heart lead where my brain should have. For allowing a man to destroy me. Again. Dr.Pretty was a decent enough human, but I know, I knew, everything is corruptible, everything can go bad. Anything humane had an expiration date; it just needed a bit of a push. A bit of an eraser, to get rid of the layer of humanity and let the beats crawl out. I smiled at her, she had no idea, I was the eraser, I was the one who will get rid of her ‘I can save everyone’ ideology. No one can be saved we were all doomed, to live a life of utter unfulfilment and stress. To be lonely when in crowds, hungry when we are full. An Ouroboros of misery and longing for a better that will never come.
“It was our anniversary,” I started. She simply stared at me eyes encouraging
“We were supposed to go out for dinner, then some dancing; Kurt was a stickler about time. But I wasn’t feeling well, I wasn’t feeling him. The shine that he was, was beginning to fade in my eyes and I could see the cracks, I had been seeing the cracks for a while actually. ” I sighed, rubbing my forehead, the threat of a headache had come back full on. Someone was beating bone drums in my brows softly, heating up my brain, stinging my eyes.
“he had ordered this beautiful sheer grey evening gown with lace trimmings, I loved it at first sight, that is the only reason I left the club early to go home, because I was looking forward to wearing that dress, seeing myself in it. I did not want to be late he had said dinner reservations were at seven so I called a cab instead of walk the ten minutes home, and I think he was expecting me to walk home. I wish I had walked home, and then I wouldn’t have found him fucking my best friend’s mouth. I wasn’t shocked really I knew that had been going on for a while, but the evidence of it, having him rub it in my face like that. He saw me you know, he looked up and saw me, and he smiled. That son of a bitch smiled at me.”
I looked back out into the bay the sun was out and bright, everything was white and blue and green and pretty, the world was drenched in color, and I was dying. I was stuck in grey and white and black.
“I was numb, I was happy, this right here was my way out, now I could leave him, and he won’t make a fuss, we could both be happy. I was angry, how dare he? How could he betray me like this, in my own home no less, in my kitchen? I was confused, and all this time she was on her knees, slurping away at him as if he was a meal. I must have made a sound, a scream of rage, called her name maybe? I don’t remember, I remember her standing, she was half naked, her blouse to her waist like they had been in too much of a hurry, to get fully undressed. It’s not what you think. She said it’s not what you think. It couldn’t be what I was thinking because in that moment I was thinking, damn, I wouldn’t be able to wear that dress, she could explain she said, she was very remorseful, she was sorry, it never meant to happen, it just did. Kurt stood smirking behind her like we were both too petty for his notice, and were both making such an unnecessary fuss. She turned around, going on and on about tell her Kurt, tell her, tell me what? I wanted to ask but I couldn’t because I was still screaming, I remember telling myself stop screaming, you will wake up the neighbor’s dog, stop screaming. Why am I screaming?”
I could hear the doctor’s pen scratching furiously on her pad.
“she must have seen the look on Kurt’s’ face, or he might have said something, in his annoyingly condescending tone, there were knives on the counter he was leaning on, and she grabbed one, first she threatened to slice her wrists, and I wanted to cheer her on, tell her do it, do it, end this night mare for us both, but Kurt grabbed her he was screaming at her, eyes bulging, neck thickly veined, he tossed her away from him, saying she was nothing more to him but a distraction, she had a demon on her back you know, and when she lunged so did the demon and I watched her stab at him and stab and stab and stab. Blood was like a little stream flowing down my kitchen to my feet carrying with it copper scents. When he fell, she fell with him, still stabbing like he was a piece of meat being prepped for dinner. I lost my voice, I lost my mind , I wanted to help her kill him, I wanted to stop her, Kurt was crying out screaming my name, over and over, do something he said, gun, he said, the demon on her shoulder chased me out the kitchen up the stairs to the loft bedroom, I upturned my drawers until I found the Glock 17 he got me for my birthday, the demon was jumping on the bed, screeching tearing up my sheets, i could hear her coming up the stairs, wailing, what have I done, what have I done? She still had the knife, half naked, covered in blood like an extra in a horror movie, she came at me, knife raised, eyes wild, and I pulled the trigger. The demon jumped on my neck, and squeezed and squeezed until I passed out”
I looked back at her, she was staring at me thoughtfully, head cocked to the side. If she asked me how talking about it made I feel, I was going to puke on her rug.
“How sure were you she was going to hurt you?”
I stared at her, brows drawn together quizzically. How sure was I? She had already hurt me; she had played with what was mine, so she had to pay. Wait, could the doctor tell? Could she tell me that I had practiced that tale? Over and over in my mirror, going over the details that leaked in the press and making my story fit, did she know? could she see past my thin veneer of false hood to the filth within?
“Liar, liar” the demon on my neck purred in my ear, “little lying murderess, she knows you are lying”
Word Prints 